Happy...

Trauma can be a thief of joy. I fcking hate it...it's made me stronger, and the strength has cost me...but I don't want to be strong all the time anymore. I'm done...I am...more. I want more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IK8OOpeYHC4

The anxiety and depression that follow. The dark nights of the soul and the endless thoughts heavy with worry and doubt. How easy it is to slowly detach from ourselves. There have been times when my mind protected itself by separating from my soul and body...from everything. Detachment, distance, fear of vulnerability, and a period of self-destructive behavior due to unresolved pain turned inwards. Self-forgiveness is a balm...hold yourself in compassion for doing the best that you could at any given time. And there were beautiful, reckless, raw, and sometimess drunk filled moments...It hasn't all been pain...but there has always been a push to be unapologetically me. Loving myself as I am while being a work in progress is such a beautiful place to be...From thinking I could not survive myself to not wanting to be anyone else but me right now. I love this life, and I have fought endless external and internal battles to get her. Can I be me forever? Can I go back in time and hold the little girl, the teen, and twenty something year old me in tenderness?

And finally, I am writing. I write only for me. Bleeding on pages again. Trying to be fearless again. For years, I've had ideas for books and stories...characters and scenes waking me up in the middle of the night. I can be angry that trauma robbed me of things, but it made me strong. I can be mad that I didn't begin writing again sooner. But what matters is now... just fcking doing it now. I continue to forgive myself for all the walls I put up out of need or fear. And healing comes with writing and being as barren as a tree in winter. No leaves, no flowers...only a silhouetted black trunk with lovely branches caressing the sky, whispering to the wind, "spring comes soon, and we will bloom once more when sleep births us by nurturing darkness."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvGbmEuV_lA

#craveheatedrivalry