I saw the trailer for Heated Rivalry a while back and was excited to see what it would be all about. But, for some strange reason, I kept avoiding it. I saw clips here and there, but I kept postponing watching it. Even after all the posts about the show and during my long vacation, my spirit was like "nah." My spirit knew, somehow, before I did, that my armour would crack. That I could no longer hide from myself and what I ache for. That this show would unmask me, undue me, leave me suffocating with rawness and longing. And I have cried for these past three days because of this fcking, beautiful show. Because it shattered what needed to be shattered. It has unveiled me to myself and all the things that I have buried deep. And I guess the universe gave me this wake-up call in the form of this show to understand that when I buried my desires, needs and wants, I buried the essence of myself....and I mourn that free girl I was and the free girl I am becoming again. And as painful as these revelations have been and will be as I unpack and truly sit with my emotions, the purpose of this pain, of this fire that spread without warning, is to burn away what no longer serves me and reclaim the things my silence has protected me from and has slowly suffocated me...leaving me buried, while alive. And in that fire and in that darkness, I will grow. I will reclaim, and I will come back to myself.
Ito
This fcking blog or whatever is dedicated to fearless metamorphosis, and my awakening. I want to thank my little (tall) brother for holding space for things I am still trying to articulate as a result of suppressing all the things I yearn for but have denied or lied to myself about for far too long. Thank you for listening as I fell apart and ugly cried while vomiting my emotions to you. You are sacred space.
A reclaiming...
The universe has always sent me books or shows that I have needed on my spiritual path. These books or shows were sent to break me open, expose a truth or send a message. These books or shows have nudged my attention like an inner compass pointing towards my own inner true north. When I first read "The Alchemist" by Pauhlo Coehlo, I knew deep in my bones that it was meant to be. These works of art have been healing...a personal awakening of a Lotus becoming Liberated. Understanding, healing and revelations arrive when you need them the most.
And Heated Rivarly has been a declaration from my Soul to wake the fck up. I was lying to myself these past few years that being alone is far less risky than intimate vulnerability in a relationship. The tears have not stopped flowing since watching this series. A long time ago, I would bleed my feelings on the page. I would not hold back...my release, my writing, was for me. I was fearless, and I didn't give a fck. And I've stopped writing and doing the things that made me feel free and whole. Afraid of judgment...or simply just afraid. So, I am reclaiming those parts of me in this space. I write to come home to myself, to bleed on the page, to rise like a lotus towards liberation of self. To be fcking honest with myself, that opening up, connection, and intimacy is scary. And Heated Rivalry, this beautiful story and journey of discovery and vulnerability has left me aching with loneliness and with the truth that I ache for more....I want more. And I will unpack this here. To go back to that girl who stayed up reading books or writing in notebooks. I want more, and that involves bravery and authentic expression...without shame, or fear of judgement. I write for me, and this is my fcking reclaiming. Let there be tears, and let there be truth. Let the truth that I have suppressed for years break me open and, like spiritual alchemy, leave me transformed. Let the fire burn away what has kept me hidden and living a lukewarm life.
I want more.
I was more.
I want more....
я хочу большего.
я хочу большего.
я хочу большего...
Lotus Libertad
#craveheatedrivalry
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