I call myself back to myself...

 Today was a hard day.  It was hard to get out of bed and shower.  But I did it.  I am wearing my brother's shirt for safety and comfort.  I sleep with his hat under my pillow.  He died in 2020.  And he was my whole heart.  One of many things to grieve, to process....but also to rejoice.  Yes. I cried, and I ached again today.  But I also practiced grounding myself on my way to work...I also called for referrals to a therapist.  I am gently moving into my day....and trusting my body knows what it needs to heal itself...and to rejoice.  There is hope in healing from trauma...and that is not the lens I want to view the world.  Let it always be love.

I want tenderness.  So I will be tender to myself.  I will do the things that make me feel safe.  I will wear my brother's shirt.  I will hold his hat tonight because I want him closer.  He would know my heart...similar to his...feeling everything.

I was not expecting to dump everything here, but I can not feel shame for what spirit has demanded to be released.  So, Heated Rivalry was the catalyst that burst the dam of all my fcking emotions for all these years...and I have to live through the ache and questions and being with my spirit. There may be answers or understanding. I may become lighter, freer... I may be making room for the new...I am not rushing to be fixed... or thinking that I need to be fixed...I just have a plan and small action steps.  And I welcome signs from a higher power that I am not alone....I don't want to do it alone anymore....and I am thankful for giving myself a space to write fearlessly, achingly, tearfully, without stressing grammar or fcking correctness.  I am thankful for my aching, fragile, tender heart that feels so much....and I forgive you and thank you, my body, for protecting me.  I welcome my spirit back, I welcome wholeness, love, and spirit.  I call myself back to myself...