Once upon a time, since childhood, I learned to swallow my own bitterness and the bitterness of others. I had to be strong. This was hard for an empath, for the black sheep of the family that observed too much, grew up too fast, and knew truths adults were afraid to face. In my early 20s, I became very depressed. I had no idea what was happening to me. I would cry, I was fatigued...the stress from a first-time job and living on my own was scary and exciting. But I didn't know what anxiety or depression was. I'm so sick of those terms...and fck trauma and everything it steals. The one thing that was a force of love was my cousin and the unexpected arrival of my sister. She broke my heart wide open...there was light and love in those turbulent times when we all did the best that we could. She saved me with her love...my siblings saved me with their love. And yes, I grew up too fast. I'm more at peace with that...no sense to hold on to anger...it shaped me, in part.
Once upon a time, I learned to suffer in silence. I did not want to bother anyone. Being strong became survival and my default. Being strong, well, there is a price to pay for that. It will manifest in so many ways in the body... sometimes years later, when you least expect it. Like today, the ache came back. My heart felt itself breaking. Maybe this is a release of accumulation...my brother's death, among other things. I know this pain and heartache have a purpose. I pray the pain alchemically transforms to love...that all this release is making space for more love...and may it be a reminder that in the beginning, I was loved, and I loved hard...that little girl inside me still wholeheartedly loves. That is my natural state.
So today, I changed direction. I told my baby sister how I felt. About the negative, intrusive thoughts that come with depression...that come with this release, with processing sh*t I am yet to understand, due in part to heated rivalry...the yearning for connection and vulnerability. And the simple beauty of this story. So, I shared my feelings. The dark night of the soul...the ache, the breaking of my heart...the grieving of things I can not name and the crying of years of unshed tears. And I can see the joy on the other side, waiting for me....I understand the yin and yang of our existence....Today, I did not suffer in silence. I reached out. I was vulnerable, raw, and fragile with my poor adhd sister, who nervously tried to support me by holding space and recommending meditation. I was so gagged. I have created little self-healing monsters...so proud of my siblings.
So, once upon a time, this late afternoon, I reached out for love and support. I sat in front of my sister unfiltered and fragile...delicate and trembling with strength...even as my voice cracked with emotion. And my heart is full. So full. I will not fear this ache, this yearning, this grief, these feelings...I will sit with them tenderly and let them push me through the muddy waters...I will rise a liberated lotus...because of the mud and tears and darkness. That's where seeds grow before they bloom..I will rise from grief and pain, like a lotus on fire...burning through the bullshit and what no longer serves me. I release...I bless it. I surrender it.
And most importantly, I surrender to love...and one day, may I be brave to let someone hold me, be there for me, kiss me....anchor me. I want that...I open my heart to that...I will do it afraid..I will do it when I want to shut down or run...I will do it with this delicate heart of mine....I want the peaceful balm of a lover's embrace, a sense of safety, and the feeling that I am home in their embrace.
