Grieving...

 

It is nice to know that I am not the only one feeling like a hot mess after watching Heated Rivalry.  Today, I cried, and I ached.  Someone posted something about grieving for who they did not get to be, or fully being able to love because of homophobia.  I felt that...and then there was a hockey game with a kiss cam showing Scott and Kip kiss...and then two men in the crowd kissed.  How incredible how people are being moved during such a chaotic time. 

Our insides are being scrambled, and we are thinking about what was...past interludes of desires...awakenings, innocence, connection, lust, love...

I need to take a break from watching heated rivalry content because it hurts...it aches. And I don't know why.  I go from dissociated to feeling every fcking thing suppressed for years because my body is always trying to protect from external dangers...even if I was safe....even if things were calm...it became my default.  So, I'll let these tears flow...I'll write, I'll talk to a thrapist, I'll continue moving forward as my armour continues to break, as the ache continues to break me down naked and raw...to forgiving my body for the disconnection when all it did was try to protect me...to the grief that I feel of what was and what I ache for...to time wasted and not wanting to waste anymore. I welcome comfort, safety, understanding, and tenderness...I want more.