I opened all my windows in my apartment to let air in, to let life in...open myself to the world. I look out, and for the first time in a long time, I feel lonely. I have relished the silence of my room and bed. Of my nervous system being soothed by a cocoon of protection. And since my "wake-up" call or emotional implosion, my appetite has dwindled, and my heart continues to ache. And I will sit here with my emotions, knowing I want more...no more hiding from myself, from the world...from love. I am scared...I haven't even watched the new Dracula movie because, you know, feelings. I actually have a story idea I want to put on paper before I watch it. But I digress...
I recall my first implosion. I was in H.S. I was in an argument with my mom. And that destructive energy took over. My room was covered in posters of Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden. Everything that I loved, all that I had cherished...I destroyed that day. I raged...I destroyed....because I wasn't coming back. I was subconsciously preparing to leave for college. I left my walls bare...
A second implosion was coming home from the hospital during my sophomore year in college after a PE traveled through my heart. I lived. But Medicaid cut my coverage just when I still needed blood thinners. Each night, I was afraid to sleep. Afraid to die. I was angry at God, at life...I wasn't a habitual smoker, but I said fck it. I'm not living a half *ss life. I smoked...I was reckless...I dared God and cursed him....and I thought I was being punished for the times I was so depressed, I thought I could not go on. I thought this was my punishment. And healing came unexpectedly when my bff took me to the hospital when I had chest pains. There was someone sick next to me in the ER. They were vomiting and crying. The smells...the noises. I hate hospitals to this day. I was screened, had chest x-rays, and no clots were found. They dissolved. I was relieved. We went to get chicken wings...I sat down with my bff...we ate in silence..I had some healing peace...and my bff was one of the first people I let in, that I let love me in all my phases and stages of life...
A notable time I raged was when my girlfriend and I were together. That's a whole other chaper but I did get upset and fcked up everything in my room after I was pushed to my emotional limit. Not coming out to myself while living with your girlfriend, who is a born-again Christian, that you loved but lost yourself in, was some sht.
With Heated Rivalry, I just want to cry. I can't stop. How did I get here? A part of me misses my 20s. It makes me happy to see two young actors embarking on a new adventure...and I miss that in me. I am jealous sometimes. And that's okay. I can't change that I grew up too fast, or went balls to the walls in my 30s when my girlfriend left, and the pain I felt... was indescribable. And worst of all, I couldn't cry. When she left, everything was stuck in my bed. I was not a drinker, but that was the only way to find release at that time...and it became problematic...I didn't know how to move forward or heal, but I bought self-help books anyway. Attended support groups...endlessly seeking to fix complex trauma so I could finally live...and I had fun, and I was reckless and I didn't give a fck sometimes...and it's made me who I am today. And I've abandoned the notion of always seeking to fix myself because, at the end of the day, no self-help book can teach me what I know now. I am worthy. I have always been worthy. And I deserve love and happiness. I love my life, and I am thankful for the catalytic energy of fcking rage.
And this ache, this loneliness borders on anger...rage is close by. I want to take every fcking self-help book and throw them out. I'm sick of trauma and therapy and all that bullsh*t....
But, oddly enough, I might start therapy while I have insurance. I want it...because I want to understand the cracks in my armour...my need, my desire, my wants...how did I get here? I don't want to do this alone anymore....I feel like I'm in a different vibrational level...everything continues to be foggy on the outside, but my emotions are front and center.
I wish someone would hold me...protect me... take care of me....I want tenderness...I wish I weren't alone tonight...There, I said it.
I want more.
I want more.
I want more.
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